you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
