This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
