My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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