Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
