is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
someone owes me an orgasm
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
