Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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