you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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