I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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