I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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