dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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