I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
