the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
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He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
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Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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