Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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