His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
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i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
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And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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