Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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