Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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