Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
