Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
