pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
