Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
