dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
