i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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