I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
