His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
