Me too!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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