my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
