Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he fucked my hip out of place.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
