I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
