The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
