i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
