I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
