I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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