the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
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I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
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Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level