A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
