he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
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There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
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Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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