i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
