Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
