the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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