I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
