you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
