First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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