I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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