It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
being pregnant is like rehab
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
