boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
