So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
