My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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