No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
