you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too