My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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