I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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