I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
