We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
