i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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