I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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