Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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