i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I want you more than these girls want KFC
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
