Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
tell your sister to shave her snatch
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
