Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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