Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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