i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
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Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
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Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.