And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
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I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
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I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.