I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...